Monday, November 28, 2011

Bagel wars rock Germantown

Authorities in Maryland have no leads in what is believed to be the latest escalation of the Germantown bagel wars.

In the early morning hours last Thursday the dumpster behind Bite-Me Bagels mysteriously caught fire, eventually spreading to the neighboring KFC and a 1977 Chevy Impala parked nearby. The family living in the Impala escaped serious injury.  However, there was significant damage to the KFC and Bite-Me had major smoke damage.

Amanda Robinovitch, proprietor of Bite-Me, pins the blame on Wally Kipling, the owner of Glory Hole Bagels across the street.

"He's up to no good, as usual," she told reporters. "He's been doing everything he can to undercut my business ever since he opened. That grease fire we had last year? I saw one of his kitchen guys running out the back door of my place just before the sprinklers came on. And when are they going to do something about how he's putting the holes in his Glory Hole bagels? It's disgusting!"

Kipling meanwhile blames the escalating tensions on the newcomer on the Germantown bagel scene, Shlomo Feinberg of Jewtown Bagels, who opened his bagel emporium just down the street six months ago.

"Everything was fine till Feinberg opened up," Kipling opined. "Ninety-nine cents for a toasted bagel with cream cheese and lox? Come on, how am I supposed to compete with that?"

As for Shlomo, he accuses the accusers of anti-semitism. "Hey look," he said, "I only called it Jewtown Bagels because the name had a bit of an ironic twist, you know? Jewtown Bagels in Germantown? Come on, how can you not want to try that?

And I've got the authentic Montreal bagel recipe. Beats Amanda's New York City recipe hands down. And as for Kipling, he should be in jail for how he's putting the holes in those bagels of his. You don't even want to know about his cream cheese... So they should just lay off with their anti-semitism."

Germantown police spokesman Willy Knapp told reporters that multiple investigations are underway and that the department is cooperating with federal investigators.

"It's just bagels, folks. Let's all just chill out."

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