Lesson #1 for the elderly: never trust a fart

You know you're getting old when you can't trust a fart. Time was, you could rip 'em forth on demand. Farting was, at root, a competitive sport, at least for guys. I saw this play out during my career as a high-school sports coach. Take a bus trip with the boys soccer team, and the lads were constantly one-upping one another with the lethality of their farts. On the girls bus they didn't fart half as much, and when they did, it didn't smell near as bad. So you grow up confident in your ability to fart at will. You can even use a well-timed fart to make a political statement. Drop something silent but violent at the next all-candidates meeting just when the Green candidate is speaking and see what happens. I'm pretty sure that's what derailed their last couple of leadership hopefulls. Then you get old. You find yourself in a place where farting isn't just fun and games anymore. You're at that all-candidates meeting thinking you're making a political statement, and whoopsie... What's that running down my leg?