Looking to cash in on the wave of sympathy for celebs with rare diseases, A-Rod reveals he has gum disease

No shit. Gum disease, the silent and sneaky killer, takes another retired A-lister in the prime of life, or at least not too far past it. My thoughts and prayers are with the family at this difficult time. It must have been a terrible blow. At least it's not hair loss or liver cancer. As my dear nonagenarian father likes to say; "nothing is ever so bad that it couldn't be worse." So buck up, Alex. Thanks to modern science, many people now enjoy long and happy lives with dental implants.

Pot-addled hillbilly defeated by chipmunks, again

I used to think chipmunks were cute and cuddly. Not that I ever cuddled one, but getting them to eat peanuts out of your hand on a camping trip was always a feel-good moment. I felt less good about them the winter they invaded the house. They'd take one or two bites out of everything in the fruit bowl in the kitchen, and leave a few chipmunk turds in payment. At that point they're not cute anymore; they're just another rodent. Between Doublewide culling the chipmunk population and me applying copius amounts of foam insulation into every nook and crevice through which they might enter the house, we were able to beat back the invaders. Alas, they're not finished with me yet. I've been a bit slow in getting my herb garden going this year. Tucked 24 seeds into my table-top green house and within 36 hours 18 had germinated! ! was so pleased, I put them out on the back stoop so they could get a little sun. Then I forgot about them and left them out overnight. By morning, the chipmunks had uprooted all 18 seedlings to eat whatever was left of the seeds. Back to square one.

Ultimate survival strategy for white males in the Age of Woke

Listen up, white dudes. You know you're the problem. You've occupied the pinnacle of the power structure since dinosoaurs roamed the earth. Time's up. Here's your get-out-of-hell-free card, boys. Just declare yourself a woman! You instantly go from alpha predator to most vulnerable marginalized community in the heirachy of marginalized communities! I know a lot of guys are reluctant because they don't want to part ways with Willie. Mr Johnson. The pink torpedo... you know what I'm talking about. Well, here's the best part; you don't have to! Women with weiners get way more respect than either women without them or women with them who pass themselves of as "men." Politicians and the media will fawn all over you. CBC will send a team to do a personal profile. Start a TicToc channel and get rich! And if you got any sports talent, you'll go from mediocre to elite once you're on the girls team. So let's get with it, guys. Turn your frown upside down! Make peace with Woke!

Canada's spy agency is interfering in our democracy

Here's a theory: the people in Washington who design foreign policy for "the free world," have decreed that we need to prepare for war with China. To that end, the "security services" across EU-NATOland have been tasked with softening up their citizens for the prospect of the current trade war turning into an actual hot war. Before you can say me too, some deep state operatives have leaked to the national newspaper of record the straight skinny on CHINESE COMMUNIST CHINESE COMMUNIST COMMUNIST CHINA'S INTERFERENCE IN OUR DEMOCRACY!!! Well maybe, maybe not. The Globe can't actually spill the secrets because they're secret, just like their sources. Former GG David Johnston is being crucified because what he saw didn't amount to much but he can't tell you what it did amount to 'cause it's a secret. The whole production has nothing-burger written all over it, but hot damn, does it ever have us focussed on Communist China's fiddling with our democracy! We must push back against those aggressive Chinese Communists, and make it clear that we will stand with Taiwan for as long as it takes to protect its democracy from China. What's the bigger threat to our democracy? China? Or a clandestine campaign of staged leaks intended to destroy Canada-China relations?

Todd Hirsch hits a homer

Todd Hirsch used to be the top economist at the Alberta Treasury Board. That gave him the cred to float some of the dumbest ideas I ever heard of in the pages of The Globe and Mail on a regular basis. Celebrity chefs could revitalize rust-belt communities with destination dining? Yup, open up a trendy eatery in some down-and-out locale and wham! They'll be flying in from all over... I don't recall if that was the dumbest one, but he had lots. I wrote him off as an out-of-touch wanker who didn't know much about the real world. So imagine my surprise when I ran into him in the pages of the Globe today, and found myself agreeing with almost everything he said in "We lied to millenials and Gen Z when we said they could be anything they wanted." Did we ever! Just try really hard and don't ever let go of your dreams and they'll all come true, because everybody's a winner in this brave new world. Trouble is, thanks to our ultra-shallow fame-focused cultlure, way too many kids want to become NBA stars or rappers or social media influencers. As Hirsch points out, 99.999% of the time, that ain't gonna happen. Instead, too many of our millenials find they're gonna have to pay their own way in this cruel world with a mere "job" they're indifferent to. Oh, the horror! That's what we used to call reality. Nobody worked on a Big Four assembly line in our era because it allowed our human potential to blossom. But that Ford or GM pay packet the UAW negotiated made a lot of other stuff come true, like the house and the car and the education for our kids The kids we lied to. As Todd points out, nobody grows up dreaming of a life as an HVAC technician, but it'll pay the bills while you dream your dreams.

Communist China controls Trudeau government

How else can you explain former GG David Johnston's decision to NOT hold a public inquiry into commie diddling of our democracy? The thought leaders at The Globe and Mail are gonna be mightily pissed! After all, they're the driving force behind the Yellow Peril propaganda that's become a staple of our political discourse. They’ll no doubt remind us that Johnston is way too cozy with Justin, who is way too cozy with the Chinese communists, and by golly, we gotta stand up to communism just like we used to do in the good old days. Our allies are counting on us. Here’s the funny thing about “our allies.” “Our allies” is another word for the EU-NATO club presided over by Uncle Sam. We’re in a club of nations who have abdicated their responsibilities to their voters, and instead thrown their lot in with the US Empire. One of the great ironies of our campaign against “Chinese interference” is we make these allegations as stalwart allies of the one country that has been interfering non-stop in elections all over the world. From funding opposition parties to assassinating democratically elected leaders, there’s nothing the USA won’t do to interfere in other nations’ politics. But we’re pointing fingers at China?

Trudeau turns cringe dial to eleven for Asia visit

Did you seen that pic of PM Precious doing the splits while shaking hands with the Korean dignitary? I think what actually happened there was that in his haste to get to the photo-op, Fluffy slipped in a puddle of his own hubris, and the photographer captured the moment the kindly Korean helped him to his feet. Then on to Hiroshima, that most sombre living monument to nuclear terror, for another round of frivolity and grandstanding. Watched on Al Jazeera to see Fluffy make multiple lunges to touch the hem of Vlodymar “Churchill-Mandela” Zelensky’s raiment, finally gripping the great man in a bro-hug. For a later photo-op Justin doffed his jacket and rolled up his sleeves to affect a more man-of-action vibe. Then, in another bro moment, he cornered Zelensky and slapped him on the back for five minutes while repeating “whatever it takes for as long as it takes whatever it takes for as long as it takes whatever…” Trudeau and Zelensky both know Canada got nothin’, but hey, it’s all part of the show. I think that’s the basis of their bond; Justin was a drama teacher and Vloddy was an actor. They’re both at home in the world of make-believe. Zelensky pretends he's running a war. Trudeau's running a pretend country.

Pileated woodpecker sighted at Falling Downs

I was chilling on the stoop when a sound something akin to a jackhammer startled me out of my reverie. Gawd damn, if it wasn't a pileated woodpecker! It's been a few years since we last saw one around Falling Downs. It's probably got enough meat on it to be a game bird, but due to its novelty, ie rarity, there's no pileated woodpecker hunting season. There is, however, a turkey hunting season. Just the other day a young lad stopped by to ask permission to hunt my property. Apparently we're in prime turkey hunting territory here. Which is a bit fucked up, because when I was growing up, you'd have to drive five hundred miles south to go turkey hunting. In my lifetime, the turkey's natural habitat has expanded from the Virginias right to the southern shore of Georgian Bay. Blame global warming. I gave him the contact numbers for the other hunting parties on my property, so hopefully they'll compare notes and avoid shooting one another. Here's why that's important. A student told me this story about his grampa. Gramps was an avid deer hunter, and had permission from the landowner to hunt a well-known deer yard, all by himself! Or so he thought. Grampa went all out. Had the deer call and the doe piss, and as an extra bonus, he duct-taped a rack of antlers to his head. What could go wrong? Sure enough, some lucky hunter plugged him just below the antlers. Grampa's last hunting trip.

PM Fluffy promises Korea we got their back

If you caught CBC’s coverage of PM Fluffy’s address to the government of Korea, all you got was Murray Brewster’s breathless observation that Korean politicians “leaned in” to catch every last word of Trudeau’s declaration of solidarity with the Republic of Korea. Yup, knowing Canada has their back is what lets them sleep at night… But Trudeau said a lot more than that. Here’s the entire text of his speech. Those comments on nuclear energy aren’t comments I’ve heard him make at home. Are we really gung-ho for nuclear energy? I certainly don’t see any evidence. How many nuclear powerplants are under construction in Canada as Justin makes these claims? None that I’m aware of. But no matter; PM Fluffy is on a campaign to rally support for the American Empire and its manifold blessings. Shared values, you know; freedom and democracy and all that good stuff. Hmm… Korea has been under US occupation since the Korean War. The American’s were not in a rush to see democracy take root in Korea, and successfully delayed its arrival by 40 years or so. As for “shared values,” South Korea trails Western values around gay rights and women’s rights by half a century or so. We’re not exactly on the same page. Where we are on the same page is in our fealty to The City on a Hill, the Exceptional Nation. That’s right; we pledge allegiance to the Stars and Stripes and promise to buy as many F-35s as it takes to ensure human rights and democracy triumph over those nasty authoritarians who hate us for our freedoms.

Once great, America has become a joke country where people debate whether women with wieners belong in the ladies change room

This is what America has come to. Yet, there's no denying people still want to come to America. Just take a gander at that southern border. 83,000 "intercepted" last week alone. The best and the brightest of the huddled masses from clear across the third world. Make it to the promised land and get a free bus ride to Boston! Or maybe Chicago or DC, or if you're extra lucky, Kamala's house! This unseemly spectacle raises an important question; is the USA still a serious country? No, it's a failed state in-the-making that, for the time being, remains top dog mainly on the strength of past glories. 1945 was a long time ago. And of course we mustn't forget that formidable nuclear arsenal. They remain the world standard in democracy, of course. In fact, the bar for the gold standard in democratic elections will be raised yet again with the 2024 contest, a rematch which will see a senile dude go up against a self-confessed pussy-grabber! I don't see how that sordid spectacle qualifies America to lead the "democratic world." USA!USA!USA!!!

Commie plan to intimidate Canadian politicians an epic fail

One or more disgruntled CSIS insiders have been leaking secret documents to The Globe and Mail. China has allegedly been threatening, targeting, and intimidating Canadian politicians of Chinese heritage. That is manna from heaven for The Globe’s usual rotation of pundits writing on the behalf of think-tanks funded by what we absurdly refer to as the “defence” industry. Alas, the leakers have yet to inform us of the nature of these targeted threats. Does the targeting itself constitute the threat, or were actual threats issued? If so, what were they? I’m shocked the journalists at the Globe wouldn’t demand answers to such questions. Instead, we are pummeled day after day with scary stories about those Chinese communists undermining our democracy. What’s funny is that none of the politicians involved were aware they were either targeted or threatened, let alone targeted with threats. And if they weren’t aware, they obviously couldn’t have been intimidated. Looks to me like China’s attempt to undermine our democracy has been an epic fail!

Bats in the attic, snakes in the cellar

It's all going to hell at Falling Downs. Our cat, Doublewide, is what's known around here as a "Drimmie cat," in honour of a woman who, while too cheap to have her cats fixed, is in line to inherit a substatial wad. For many years she had a steady stream of kittens to donate to locals, and in due course we adopted our share. Alas, some of the dogs we used to have were not pussy-friendly, and we were losing them almost as fast as we adopted them. Doublewide is the lone survivor. She was an awesome mouser in her heyday, and eventually expanded to chipmunks. The summer before we got Big-lips Bruno, she was bringing us chipmunk offerings on a daily basis. Unfortunately, she was seriously traumatized when we introduced the mastiff into her life. It didn't help that Bruno gave every indication he'd like to eat her the first time they met. We didn't see her for about six months, and that winter the chipmunks took over the house. We beat back the invasion, and while it took the better part of a year, Bruno and Doublewide have made their peace. Thanks to the half-dozen spray-cans of expanding insulation foam, we no longer have chipmunks in the house. Instead, we have snakes. That's right! Doublewide has been keen to go down to the cellar for months, and we couldn't figure out why. Today she brought up a baby snake, dead. Obviously, she's been stalking mama snake, but found her a bit daunting as prey. The babies? Not so much. Meanwhile, I suspect the bats are back from their winter caves on the escarpment. Once again, they have returned before I got around to sealing the attic. Hey, I was busy rebuilding a bathroom. Give me a break!

Fartphobia

Back in the day, when I was taking too many sociology courses, I ran across an academic paper titled "The Fart Taboo." No shit! The idea that tenured scholars, pulling down plump pay packets, could while away their days mooting fart theories, struck me at the time as evidence of societal decline, at the very least. Or even the total collapse of civilization, on a bad day. Thirty years on, the fart taboo remains strong. Spent the weekend with one of the kids down in the city. They have a nice apartment in a decent part of town, but there's only one bathroom, and it's within earshot of everbody in the joint. All of a sudden you get hyper-aware of your farts. You find yourself trying to stifle a natural bodily function. The fart taboo is alive!

Canada crawls ever deeper up Uncle Sam's arse

Chinese-Canadian MP Michael Chong has made China bashing a key plank in his political identity, a strategy that is paying big dividends in the current climate of anti-China war-mongering. According to leaks from top secret documents only the Globe and Mail has seen, Chong and his family have been targeted with threats by the government of China. The nature of that targeting and those threats, however, remain secret. National security and our very democracy are at stake, so don’t expect a beef patty in this nothing-burger any time soon. But do gird your loins for the coming war with China. Today the Globe found space in the business section for a propaganda piece by a chap who works at a UK think tank financed by the arms industry. War’s a’comin’ we are told. We need to get serious about our military spending and prepare for a drastic reduction in our standard of living… for the sake of freedom and democracy, of course. Yup, once we’re irrevocably sucked into America’s war on China, we’ll have to invent new supply chains, because without China, Walmart, Crappy Tire, and pretty much anywhere else you shop are gonna be boarded up. But that’s a good thing, because values. We share our values with our allies, who must all share America’s values because without America we won’t be able to buy the fighter jets and missiles we need to defend ourselves from China’s attack on our values… This idiotic hate campaign against China is brought to you by the same US exceptionalists who were most recently standing with Ukraine for as long as it takes. Before that, they brought freedom and human rights and prosperity and democracy to, in no particular order, Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, Syria, among others. With a track record like that, why do Globe and Mail “thought leaders” insist we crawl ever deeper up Uncle Sam’s arse?

Hillary Clinton to join Ukraine's Deputy PM Chrystia Freeland for fireside chat at LibTardFest '23

As you may know, Chrystia serves as both Canada's and Ukraine's deputy prime minister simultaneously. Such a cross-cultural symbiosis has not been seen since Sheldon Adelson was bankrolling both Newt Gingrich and Benjamin Netanyahu's presidential runs back in 2012, in two different countries. As it turned out, Bibi came through, but the bet on Newt turned into $100 million down the shitter. Even Adelson couldn't win 'em all! But back to the matter at hand. Fluffy's Liberal Party is so totally bereft of fresh ideas they've contracted none other than progressive icon Hillary to address their annual convention. Don't know what they're paying for the privilege, but Hillary used to get half a million for a 45 minute speech at Goldman-Sachs. What the fuck? When is the last time Hillary had a fresh idea? When she turned her back on Barry Goldwater and became a Dem? In my opinion, if your last fresh idea came to you in the 1960's, your best-before date is probably decades ago. But that's the best the Liberal Party can do. Shame!

Khartoum worse than Mogadishu

Remember Black Hawk Down? That movie was based on a battle between US troops and local militias in 1993 Mogadishu, capital of Somalia. Thirty years later, US troops are still there. Still bringing freedom and human rights. Things still not getting better. No matter how many bad guys we eliminate, there's always more. Mogadishu is a non-stop cavalcade of terror attacks, random bombings, political assassinations, and all-round mayhem. So I was taken aback to see, on Al Jazeera News, a busload of Somalis, who had been evacuated from Khartoum, ecstatic to be safely back in Mogadishu! That's how bad things are in Sudan! I was further taken aback that a sad-sack third-world country like Somalia can successfully evacuate its citizens from Sudan, while Canada cannot. That's how bad things are in Canada!