You're not flushing the toilet; you're pulling the trigger

I've lived in dilapadated fixer-uppers most of my life. When I was younger I actually fixed them up. I still do, but now it takes so long nobody notices. When you live in an old house with old plumbing, your bathroon routine goes something like this. In the first place, you don't flush if there's no solids in the bowl. The old cottage-country maxim applies; if it's yellow, stay mellow; if it's brown, flush it down. And that's where the adventure begins. You push that handle down... and wait. You're never sure what might happen. The contents of the toilet bowl will slowly begin moving in a circular motion. Round and round and round we go. As we're going round and round, and this is most disconceting to anyone who's never taken a crap in an old house, the water level gradually begins to rise. Round and round and heading to the rim. This is when you start looking around for the plunger, at least if you're a seasoned pro. First-timers have been known to panic at this point. My advice is don't panic, grab the plunger, and better sooner than later. Once that mess goes over the top, you're dealing with a whole 'nother situation. Problem is, unless you have a certain expertise in these matters, it's hard to gage when that load is going over the top. That swirling fecal cauldron can tease you; it'll come up and go down, and just when you don't expect it, come back up again. That's why you don't dare leave the room until things are well and truly out of sight. Only then can you put them out of mind. As you can imagine, the toilet flush can take a good five minutes, on top of however long it might have taken to come up with that shit. The older you get, the more unpredictable it becomes. One day you can hardly make it to the shitter on time, next day you can read the entire Globe and Mail without anything happening. That is why I am so utterly amazed by this new toilet. First time in my life I didn't buy the cheapest unit on offer. In fact, I paid about three times more for this unit than necessary. But holy shit, is it ever worth it! You give that handle the slightest nudge, and BANG! Shit be gone! And I mean gone in half a second, never to be seen again! It's like you pulled the trigger! It's almost enough to restore my faith in progress.