Another promising career niche for the accomplished bullshitter; career coach

Have you noticed that as the economy's downward spiral unrelentingly gains momentum, the purely fictional advice of so-called career advisers reaches ever-loftier heights of absurdity?

Here's a few quotes from the Career Advice page in today's Globe. You decide.

Have you ever considered a career as a nostalgist?.. nostalgists will help design retirement homes for wealthy seniors that mimic settings from their favourite eras...

...robot counsellors will help pick the right robot to suit consumers' household needs.

Augmented reality - the overlaying of digital information on top of real-world experiences - is expected to emerge from its infancy with wide-ranging career opportunities...

Hmm...

The "nostalgist" of tomorrow sounds suspiciously like the interior decorator of today.

The "robot counsellor" used to be in auto sales.

I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for the jobs boom in augmented reality...

In the course of the article we are informed that these insights come from consulting with "thought leaders" and "foresight strategists". I'm guessing those are folks with sociology degrees who realized too late that rendered them unemployable, and were subsequently forced to make up some shit for their business cards and hope for the best.  

If you want to play it safe, aim for one of these careers:

• truck driver; long hours, low pay, but it'll be twenty years before Googledrive makes you obsolete, giving you a chance to at least save for your funeral
• PSW; Personal Service Workers are the folks who change your adult diaper and towel up your drool in your golden years; huge growth industry
• shelf-stocker and related occupations; a very flexible field, whether you're a shelf-stocker at Walmart or a stock-picker at an Amazon warehouse, you're guaranteed steady minimum wage employment and plenty of exercise.

These are all jobs that have the distinct advantage of not requiring lengthy post-secondary education and crippling student loans. Chances are you'll find yourself working alongside some schmuck who has a sociology degree and $40 thousands in student debt to pay off.

Just be thankful you're not him!

Enema Action: The Journal of Geriatric Nursing

If you're looking for poo-porn you're in the wrong place.

This is a serious academic journal dedicated to the science of geriatric nursing.

We are dedicated to the professionals who wipe the drool from my chin and the ka-ka from my butt-crack.

And by the way, I'd like to apologize to the afternoon shift at Gateway Acres for the difficulties encountered on Saturday afternoon. It wasn't my idea to feature the cheese souffle on the breakfast menu.

But this is what I love about you PSW professionals. Nobody raised an eyebrow over the obvious difficulties I was enduring. You just allowed that turtle head free reign. Thanks again for the four hours you spent professionally coaxing mister turtle to freedom.

Which brings me to the subject of academic journals. I'm so happy that Enema Action has found traction among the dedicated professional shit and drool wiping PSWs who are the back-bone of professional nursing home staff.

As Editor-in-Chief of Enema Action, I applaud your efforts to professionalize your profession. And a good top-drawer professional journal serves that cause more effectively than you could possibly imagine.

I realize that some of you have looked askance at that $500 article submission fee. Bear in mind that when the editorial committee selects your article for publication in Enema Action, you will be paid a $50 publication fee, putting you, the published author, $50 ahead of the losers who paid five hundred bucks to NOT have their mundane insights into geriatric care published.

Don't worry, this pay-to-publish nonsense is becoming the norm in academic journals.

You may not like it, but that's the way the scro is swingin' in the modern age of academic journals. It's becoming a pay-to-play world.

That's what Sarah Kendzior and others of her ilk fail to appreciate. Instead of moaning about their bad luck and writing innumerable articles for AJE and Huff Post for free, she should just cough up the money and get published in a reputable journal like Enema Action.

For real. And when we get enough publication fees, we're gonna start the journal.

Promise!

Jobs of the future: shelf-stockers, shit-wipers, and truck-drivers

That's three-quarters of your "jobs of tomorrow" right there.

Do any of these require post-secondary education?

There are certainly plenty of private "truck driver schools" sucking up government cash to train the gullible for a minimum wage job that can produce a middle-class income if you're willing to put 90 hours a week into it.

And the shit-wipers have their own professional designation now; PSW.

Professional Shit Wiper.

Those are the folks who are going to be changing my adult diaper for minimum wage plus fifty cents an hour not too long hence.

And we all know what shelf-stockers do. Popular opinion says those folks could be paid less, not more.

These are the three occupations with the best prospects in the American economy.

The challenge for the American economy is to turn those occupations into jobs worth doing.

That means the Personal Service Workers, the clerks in the big box stores, and the truck drivers all have to make a decent middle-class wage.

Without working 90 hours a week.