Eight things to like about the Bruce

From time to time me and the Farm Manager contemplate upping sticks and moving closer to the city where our children  live. I can look at those real estate listings for hours on end, but it only takes a few minutes on the front stoop to clear my head.

There's a lot to like about living here.

Frogs and birds. Both frogs and birds are allegedly at risk in the wider world, but they're doing just fine up here in the Bruce. Sometimes they even sing together.

Affordability. Ya, it's one thing to see a 100k Land Rover pulling a 100k Airstream trailer up the road, but that family in the ten year old Dodge van going up the road right behind it is gonna have just as much fun camping in their nine by twelve tent. A couple of high school drop-outs can still buy their own house if she makes fourteen bucks an hour at Timmies and he makes sixteen working at one of the rock quarries.

Howell's Fish. Out of the lake, into the smoker, and on your plate in under 48 hours if you get your timing right. You can't beat Howell's smoked fish.

Sullivan's Butcher Shop. According to them, you can't beat their meat, and I wouldn't want to anyway, but you can't beat their pickled beets either. And their smoked sausages are simply amazing!

Vistas. Every time you turn around, you're looking at limestone cliffs. The Wiarton Marina has to be the most photogenic marina in all Ontario.

The Wiarton marina. You can keep a twenty footer in the most photogenic marina in all Ontario for about a thousand bucks a year. Not sure what the guys with the 52' SeaRays are paying, but they get the same priceless views of those limestone cliffs.

People. The librarian at the local high school has bear meat in her freezer. Why? Because she shot it and it'll make great BBQ.

And then there's this. Yup, that's how we roll in the Bruce.


Gonna be a long time before I leave this place.

What my hundred mile diet looks like in winter

Truth be told, my hundred mile diet in the winter looks like smoked whitefish and pickled beets.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. I've done a little research on the internet, and apparently both of my winter staples are really really good for me.

The whitefish comes from Howells. The pickled beets come from Sullivan's Butcher Shop, where their motto is "our meat can't be beat."

Hell, I wouldn't even try to beat their meat.

Nevertheless, I had to slip away today while the Farm Manager was otherwise occupied and grab me a Big Mac.

Oh ya!

To hell with a healthy diet; every now and then you just have to gorf down a Big Mac!


If nothing else, it helps you appreciate pickled beets and smoked whitefish.

Fried chicken and cigarettes

I was in Owen Sound today, and today being Tuesday, I couldn't resist popping into the KFC for a "Tuesday Special."

I really should know better. That particular KFC is famous for its high employee turnover. That can only mean one thing; they're not particularly good to their staff. They're not particularly good to their chickens either, and I feel bad about that, but by God, I'm willing to overlook my principles once in a while for a taste of the Colonel's fried chicken.

And even though I've been enjoying it for 60 years, the Farm Manager has put fried chicken on the blacklist, not on account of how they treat their workers or their chickens, but because greasy fried chicken is allegedly not healthy.

But she's back at the farm and I know Boomer and Lucy aren't gonna spill the beans! This is one of our little indulgences, like those smoked sausages from Sullivan's Butcher Shop when we're in Wiarton (motto; "our meat can't be beat!")

I get to quench my fried chicken craving, the hounds enjoy the scraps, and the FM never needs to know!

So while I'm standing there waiting for my Tuesday Special, I mention to the teens behind the counter that the Public Health Unit is on the hunt for a few keen teen employees. This I suppose is the good deed that assuages my conscience about stopping here in the first place. If they work at KFC they're probably job hunting on the side, and I'm sure the Public Health Unit has gotta be a pretty good gig.

As near as I can tell, they're sort of a "health propaganda" unit. Led by the intrepid $350,000 a year Dr. Hazel Lynn, they berate the locals regularly over the fact that we're fatter than average, smoke more, and drink too much. Beyond that they're pretty much limited to handing out free condoms at the high schools and trying to drive Michael Schmidt, the satan-worshipping communist unpasteurized milk purveyor, out of business.

Why would the Public Health Unit be recruiting teens! Here's why; they're looking for Tobacco Test Shoppers! Yup, those kids will make out like bandits instead of having to bust their butts at KFC, and all they gotta do is keep going around to the corner stores, pestering the Koreans to sell them cigarettes!

As I'm driving out the parking lot I notice in my rear-view mirror both those kids running out the door in the direction of the new Temple of Public Health a couple of blocks away. Geez, I don't think they even locked that door behind them...

Frankly, I think the KFC gets a bit of a bad rap. Sure, you only make minimum wage, and sure, their supply chain is a little rough on the chickens, but I have it on good authority from multiple former employees that you get to take the leftover fried chicken home at the end of the day!

For free!

Anyway, the Farm Manager is never gonna allow me to apply for that gig, so no point fantasizing about it.

So I'm driving down the road while eating my health-destroying fried chicken, wondering what the local health tyrant would think of that. After all, eating while driving isn't the innocent pastime it used to be. I know Dr. Hazel Lynn would not approve. Not only am I risking obesity and all its attendant evils, I'm endangering every other vehicle on the road!

If folks are being fined for eating burgers while driving, eating fried chicken is that much worse, at least if you're determined to keep chicken grease off your clothes. Try it! You'll agree this offence merits a few demerit points at the least.

Maybe even a license suspension.

As for those kids and their employment opportunity, I wish them well. I know the Public Health Unit is one gold-plated gig. Hell, they got fifteen people on the official "sunshine list!" Even the Director of Tobacco Enforcement and Variety Store Entrapment pulls down well over $100,000 a year!

But I should ease up on those folks. I'm sure they mean just as well as they earn. After all, Canada didn't become a world leader in warnings on cigarette packaging without the efforts of many well paid people who really care. In fact, there is statistical proof that their perpetual anti-smoking campaign is paying big dividends; Canadian cigarette consumption is now ranked at 63rd in the world!

Thank you Hazel Lynn!

There's just one thing I'd like her to explain. According to the latest OECD life expectancy stats (2013), Japan, Spain, and Switzerland rank first, second, and third in life expectancy, while Canada languishes in 13th place.

In each of those three countries, per capita cigarette consumption is well over double that in Canada.

Wiarton Foodland

For me, the best part of shopping at Wiarton Foodland is shopping at the LCBO across the street. I often have occasion to do that when the Farm Manager is on one of her two or three hour hunter-gatherer forays into Foodland.

These happen all too often for my liking, but what can you do? Sit tight in the parking lot and hope for something interesting to happen, I guess...

Sometimes I'll wander over to the liquor store and take care of that part of the shopping while the FM is taking care of the meat and cheese and produce and breakfast cereal. That's what I did today.

Other times I'll meander around the corner to Sullivan's Butcher Shop. That's a genuine old-school butcher shop, except everybody who works there wears a hair-net these days. I remember when I was a kid, people used to not have to wear hair-nets in the butcher shop. Is there a single case of anyone becoming ill because there was a hair in their ground beef?

Besides, I don't go there for the ground beef. The Farm Manager takes care of that at Foodland. I go there for the fabulous smoked sausages. I usually pick up three; one honey-garlic, one hot, and one maple. It's me and Boomer and Lucy in the car, so between me and the hounds we can easily have these cleaned up before the FM is any the wiser.

She's got a thing about what I should eat for my "heart health," and regrettably, smoked sausages are not on the list.

My understanding is that the Sullivan clan smoke these puppies in their home smoker and bring them to the shop... (apologies in advance if I got that wrong, fellas). How do I know if they're wearing their hair-nets when they're tending the smoker in the back yard?

Point is, I think this hair-net hysteria, along with those gloves everybody wears now when they handle food, is just more bullshit from our $350,000/year "Chief Medical Officer" to justify her extravagant salary... after all, she probably makes more than all the butchers in Grey and Bruce counties combined!

Not that I begrudge her her job. After all, supervising the anti-smoking bylaws and making sure the food-service folks wear their hair-nets and gloves is important work. To say nothing of keeping Michael Schmidt's non-pasteurized milk away from a gullible public...

I mean, I kinda get it in a way. You don't want to be chowing down on a corned beef sandwich if the kid who fixed it just picked his nose. So thank God and the Chief Medical Officer for those latex gloves!... but how do you know the kid didn't pick his nose with the gloves on?

But I digress.

There's big changes in store to how we shop in Wiarton. Foodland-by-the-bay will soon be a distant memory. They're building a new Foodland at the south end of the Flats in the Timmies parking lot.

Ya, I don't get it either. No longer will I be able to wander across the street to the liquor store or around the corner to Sullivan's. I'll have to drive everywhere. Wonder how the Chief Medical Officer feels about that?

Has she not heard of "global warming?"

And that Timmies was in itself a dodgy affair. How many towns have torn down a school to put up a Tim Horton's? Just wondering where our priorities lie...

So me and the hounds have finished off the smokies, and I figure I've probably got time to pick up the medicine at the liquor store. It's super-busy today on account of all the tourists.

Who do I run into but Tommy Chong!

Well, I guess there is a possibility it wasn't him, but if you watch Up in Smoke and then look at this guy you'd see where I'm coming from

What tipped me off is Chong is right behind me in the checkout line, and right up by the counter where they've got the "staff picks" seductively situated for your impulse purchasing pleasure, there's a bottle of something called "Homegrown."

From behind me I hear, "Oh wow man!"

Had to be Tommy Chong.