Looking to cash in on the wave of sympathy for celebs with rare diseases, A-Rod reveals he has gum disease

No shit. Gum disease, the silent and sneaky killer, takes another retired A-lister in the prime of life, or at least not too far past it. My thoughts and prayers are with the family at this difficult time. It must have been a terrible blow. At least it's not hair loss or liver cancer. As my dear nonagenarian father likes to say; "nothing is ever so bad that it couldn't be worse." So buck up, Alex. Thanks to modern science, many people now enjoy long and happy lives with dental implants.

Pot-addled hillbilly defeated by chipmunks, again

I used to think chipmunks were cute and cuddly. Not that I ever cuddled one, but getting them to eat peanuts out of your hand on a camping trip was always a feel-good moment. I felt less good about them the winter they invaded the house. They'd take one or two bites out of everything in the fruit bowl in the kitchen, and leave a few chipmunk turds in payment. At that point they're not cute anymore; they're just another rodent. Between Doublewide culling the chipmunk population and me applying copius amounts of foam insulation into every nook and crevice through which they might enter the house, we were able to beat back the invaders. Alas, they're not finished with me yet. I've been a bit slow in getting my herb garden going this year. Tucked 24 seeds into my table-top green house and within 36 hours 18 had germinated! ! was so pleased, I put them out on the back stoop so they could get a little sun. Then I forgot about them and left them out overnight. By morning, the chipmunks had uprooted all 18 seedlings to eat whatever was left of the seeds. Back to square one.

Ultimate survival strategy for white males in the Age of Woke

Listen up, white dudes. You know you're the problem. You've occupied the pinnacle of the power structure since dinosoaurs roamed the earth. Time's up. Here's your get-out-of-hell-free card, boys. Just declare yourself a woman! You instantly go from alpha predator to most vulnerable marginalized community in the heirachy of marginalized communities! I know a lot of guys are reluctant because they don't want to part ways with Willie. Mr Johnson. The pink torpedo... you know what I'm talking about. Well, here's the best part; you don't have to! Women with wieners get way more respect than either women without them or women with them who pass themselves off as "men." Politicians and the media will fawn all over you. CBC will send a team to do a personal profile. Start a TicToc channel and get rich! And if you got any sports talent, you'll go from mediocre to elite once you're on the girls team. So let's get with it, guys. Turn your frown upside down! Make peace with Woke!

Canada's spy agency is interfering in our democracy

Here's a theory: the people in Washington who design foreign policy for "the free world," have decreed that we need to prepare for war with China. To that end, the "security services" across EU-NATOland have been tasked with softening up their citizens for the prospect of the current trade war turning into an actual hot war. Before you can say me too, some deep state operatives have leaked to the national newspaper of record the straight skinny on CHINESE COMMUNIST CHINESE COMMUNIST COMMUNIST CHINA'S INTERFERENCE IN OUR DEMOCRACY!!! Well maybe, maybe not. The Globe can't actually spill the secrets because they're secret, just like their sources. Former GG David Johnston is being crucified because what he saw didn't amount to much but he can't tell you what it did amount to 'cause it's a secret. The whole production has nothing-burger written all over it, but hot damn, does it ever have us focussed on Communist China's fiddling with our democracy! We must push back against those aggressive Chinese Communists, and make it clear that we will stand with Taiwan for as long as it takes to protect its democracy from China. What's the bigger threat to our democracy? China? Or a clandestine campaign of staged leaks intended to destroy Canada-China relations?

Todd Hirsch hits a homer

Todd Hirsch used to be the top economist at the Alberta Treasury Board. That gave him the cred to float some of the dumbest ideas I ever heard of in the pages of The Globe and Mail on a regular basis. Celebrity chefs could revitalize rust-belt communities with destination dining? Yup, open up a trendy eatery in some down-and-out locale and wham! They'll be flying in from all over... I don't recall if that was the dumbest one, but he had lots. I wrote him off as an out-of-touch wanker who didn't know much about the real world. So imagine my surprise when I ran into him in the pages of the Globe today, and found myself agreeing with almost everything he said in "We lied to millenials and Gen Z when we said they could be anything they wanted." Did we ever! Just try really hard and don't ever let go of your dreams and they'll all come true, because everybody's a winner in this brave new world. Trouble is, thanks to our ultra-shallow fame-focused cultlure, way too many kids want to become NBA stars or rappers or social media influencers. As Hirsch points out, 99.999% of the time, that ain't gonna happen. Instead, too many of our millenials find they're gonna have to pay their own way in this cruel world with a mere "job" they're indifferent to. Oh, the horror! That's what we used to call reality. Nobody worked on a Big Four assembly line in our era because it allowed our human potential to blossom. But that Ford or GM pay packet the UAW negotiated made a lot of other stuff come true, like the house and the car and the education for our kids The kids we lied to. As Todd points out, nobody grows up dreaming of a life as an HVAC technician, but it'll pay the bills while you dream your dreams.

Communist China controls Trudeau government

How else can you explain former GG David Johnston's decision to NOT hold a public inquiry into commie diddling of our democracy? The thought leaders at The Globe and Mail are gonna be mightily pissed! After all, they're the driving force behind the Yellow Peril propaganda that's become a staple of our political discourse. They’ll no doubt remind us that Johnston is way too cozy with Justin, who is way too cozy with the Chinese communists, and by golly, we gotta stand up to communism just like we used to do in the good old days. Our allies are counting on us. Here’s the funny thing about “our allies.” “Our allies” is another word for the EU-NATO club presided over by Uncle Sam. We’re in a club of nations who have abdicated their responsibilities to their voters, and instead thrown their lot in with the US Empire. One of the great ironies of our campaign against “Chinese interference” is we make these allegations as stalwart allies of the one country that has been interfering non-stop in elections all over the world. From funding opposition parties to assassinating democratically elected leaders, there’s nothing the USA won’t do to interfere in other nations’ politics. But we’re pointing fingers at China?

Trudeau turns cringe dial to eleven for Asia visit

Did you seen that pic of PM Precious doing the splits while shaking hands with the Korean dignitary? I think what actually happened there was that in his haste to get to the photo-op, Fluffy slipped in a puddle of his own hubris, and the photographer captured the moment the kindly Korean helped him to his feet. Then on to Hiroshima, that most sombre living monument to nuclear terror, for another round of frivolity and grandstanding. Watched on Al Jazeera to see Fluffy make multiple lunges to touch the hem of Vlodymar “Churchill-Mandela” Zelensky’s raiment, finally gripping the great man in a bro-hug. For a later photo-op Justin doffed his jacket and rolled up his sleeves to affect a more man-of-action vibe. Then, in another bro moment, he cornered Zelensky and slapped him on the back for five minutes while repeating “whatever it takes for as long as it takes whatever it takes for as long as it takes whatever…” Trudeau and Zelensky both know Canada got nothin’, but hey, it’s all part of the show. I think that’s the basis of their bond; Justin was a drama teacher and Vloddy was an actor. They’re both at home in the world of make-believe. Zelensky pretends he's running a war. Trudeau's running a pretend country.