Prostate exam? There's an app for that

I gotta say my doctor has really taken to these tele-health long-distance check-ups we've been doing since the pandemic descended.

But, sooner or later, I'm gonna have to go in for the dreaded prostrate grope.

And that, dear reader, is how necessity becomes the mother of invention. You're getting all your health care over some combination of internet-telecom anyway...

Why can't there be an app for that?

I'm working on it. It's gonna be called the Procto 500.

Sounds sorta racy, eh? Everybody's heard about the Indy 500 and the Daytona 500, right?

Why not the Procto 500?

Once you've downloaded the app, all you have to do is stick your cellphone up your ass for 8 and a half minutes, and you just spared yourself the inconvenience of a commute to the doctor's office and the indignity of having a person you're having a mutually respectful professional relationship with stick his finger up your butt.

Within another few minutes the secret algorithms within the app will have sent a complete summary of your prostate condition to the doctor.

If you think you may have more going on than mere prostate issues, you can upgrade, at a small extra charge, to the Procto Le Mans Edition. That'll give you a read-out on everything between your ankles and your collar bones. The only drawback is, once you stick that iPhone where the sun don't shine, you gotta leave it there 24 hours.

Is that a boffo concept or what?! I'll be heading Silicone Valley way shortly to rustle up some venture capital.

In the meantime, if you want to get in on the ground floor, send your moneygram to this blog.