Prostate exam? There's an app for that

I gotta say my doctor has really taken to these tele-health long-distance check-ups we've been doing since the pandemic descended.

But, sooner or later, I'm gonna have to go in for the dreaded prostrate grope.

And that, dear reader, is how necessity becomes the mother of invention. You're getting all your health care over some combination of internet-telecom anyway...

Why can't there be an app for that?

I'm working on it. It's gonna be called the Procto 500.

Sounds sorta racy, eh? Everybody's heard about the Indy 500 and the Daytona 500, right?

Why not the Procto 500?

Once you've downloaded the app, all you have to do is stick your cellphone up your ass for 8 and a half minutes, and you just spared yourself the inconvenience of a commute to the doctor's office and the indignity of having a person you're having a mutually respectful professional relationship with stick his finger up your butt.

Within another few minutes the secret algorithms within the app will have sent a complete summary of your prostate condition to the doctor.

If you think you may have more going on than mere prostate issues, you can upgrade, at a small extra charge, to the Procto Le Mans Edition. That'll give you a read-out on everything between your ankles and your collar bones. The only drawback is, once you stick that iPhone where the sun don't shine, you gotta leave it there 24 hours.

Is that a boffo concept or what?! I'll be heading Silicone Valley way shortly to rustle up some venture capital.

In the meantime, if you want to get in on the ground floor, send your moneygram to this blog.

Climate change and motorsports

That's got an oxy-moronic tone to it, eh?

How does a quarter million people driving to Indianapolis help fight climate change? It doesn't, obviously. There's probably not that many these days, because motorsport has been dying a slow death anyway.

They're bulldozing grandstands at NASCAR tracks so the stands look full on TV.

I love the old hot-rod days and I'll miss them.


But they're fading out.


The other day I came across one of those Poker Run shows. There's forty feet of fibreglass with three, four, or, God help us, five Merc 400s hanging off the back.

And that's just one boat. There's well over a hundred on this run...


Why?

Monaco GP vs. Indy 500 comparison test

This afternoon offered a rare opportunity to view two iconic races at the same time. The Indy 500 was on ABC while TSN had a tape delayed Monaco F1 race on. What's the better race?

Geography

Indianapolis Motor Speedway is a two and a half mile oval in the Midwestern plains. Boring. The Monaco street circuit has hills and tunnels and scenic vistas. Monaco wins hands down.

History

This was the 99th running of the Indy 500, but only the 86th running of the Monaco GP. Indy wins.

Speed

No contest. Indy is flat out at 220 mph all day. They rarely top 175 at Monaco.

Drivers

The guy who won Indy today has also won Monaco. Monaco had the youngest driver, Max Verstappen at 17 year old, and the world's best-paid driver, Lewis Hamilton. That gives Monaco the edge on the human interest factor.

Social Relevance

One of the cool things about car racing is it doesn't pretend to have any. It's just another circus to keep us amused when we should be doing more constructive things with our time.

Crashes

This is the main reason people watch motorsports, and Indy had more of them. Also, at Indy you can see more of the track from the grandstands, so the odds are better.

Conclusion

Even though Indianapolis is faster and has more crashes, there's something appealing about Monaco. Those yachts in the yacht basin at the edge of the track, the beautiful buildings in Monaco; it's the more aesthetically appealing venue for sure.

I'd call it a tie.