Farting on the front stoop

I'm in the process of transitioning to a gluten and dairy free diet. That process has consequences. Just moments ago I stepped out on the stoop for a breath of fresh air. I have enough confidence in my gluten-free digestive tract these days that I'm comfortable making a call on whether that's a fart bubbling up or whether it's something more serious. So while I'm out there, I issue forth a series of frrraaaaaps that could easily be heard a hundred yards away. Fortunately, my nearest neighbour is a quarter mile away. This is why I don't fancy moving back to the city. If we moved to a townhouse in town, the nearest neighbor would be about three feet away. Step out for a smoke and rip forth a few frrraaaaps, you're gonna be heard at least three or four doors over on either side. And you can bet their hearing isn't the only sense the neighbours will feel I've violated. Nosiree... country living is the life for me.