Why I'm not totally enamoured with Billy-Bob's Chainsaw Repair

When I got the Stihl out of the garage a few weeks ago, I gave a few pulls on the cord, and without so much as a burp or a hiccup coming back, I recklessly decided that I needed to take her in for a spring tune-up at Billy-Bob's Chainsaw Repair

Billy-Bob (not his real name) used to work at a place downtown that sold and serviced chainsaws. They didn't sell the Stihl brand, but they serviced them. When the business went tits-up, BB set up a wee home business in the garage behind his house.

That's the kind of entrepreneurialism I'd want to support - the local guy setting out on his own.

My first foray into BB's business was when I bought a couple of saw chains there. They were so fucking useless that I switched back to the old one after cutting down one tree.

In fairness to BB, that particular tree was an Ironwood. They call them that for a reason. Take down an Ironwood in the dark and you'll see sparks coming off your saw.

Still, you want a new saw chain to last more than one tree.

So I gave BB the benefit of the doubt and delivered the Stihl for her spring tune-up.

That in itself was quite an ordeal. BB is not quite an "essential service" but not quite out of business either.

He has to holler at me from twenty feet away, "Sorry I gotta ask you, but have you been out of the country in the last two weeks?"

Oh fuck off!

Anyway, BB gave my Stihl the spring tune-up.

My wallet's been lightened to the tune of a hundred and fifty bucks. I take my beloved Stihl home.

I've got work to do. I pull on that cord.

Nothing.

I pull it again...

And again and again and again, without so much as a hiccup or a burp.

After about two dozen pulls over the course of the afternoon, I finally get a hiccup.

Then a cough...

On the next pull, my beautiful Stihl roars to life!


What bothers me is that if I'd had that much perseverance on the first go-round, I could have saved myself a hundred and fifty bucks.

Some helpful safety tips for cutting down that sixty foot tree

I've had a bit of a chain saw sub-theme going on in this blog pretty much from the beginning. Poulan vs. Stihl was one of my earliest masterpieces.

When I see a reader clicked on something I wrote years ago, I have to refresh my memory by clicking on it myself. That's why I'm reminded that a post called Montreal Wedding was actually more about dropping trees and chain saws.

I figure by this time I must have a few would-be tree-droppers in my audience. (BTW, this blog has two followers. There is no "follow" button on the blog that I am aware of. Are Mom and Dad really my only followers? And if so, how did they get to be followers if there's no "follow" button? An interesting familial conspiracy theory is brewing...)

So here's a couple of handy and potentially life-saving tips for you chain saw novices.

1. Quite often you'll need to put a little pressure on a tree to ensure it falls in the right direction. That can make all the difference between a successful drop and wiping out your barn. When you've got a chain around a sixty footer, make sure your chain is more than sixty feet long. Otherwise, your truck and anyone in it could be at grave risk.

2. I've been researching this stuff forever, and it looks to me like most accidental tree-dropping deaths are the result of the upper limbs of the tree falling on the guy holding the saw. That sixty foot dead elm could be mighty brittle in the upper reaches. An eight foot length of dead elm dropping from sixty feet means either certain brain injury, or if you're lucky, instant death.

That's because the vibrations from the saw as you're cutting through the trunk will dislodge some of the brittle stuff sixty feet overhead.

Here's how to save your life.

If you've got any kind of tractor or crawler-loader, give that tree trunk a good bunt before firing up your Poulan or Stihl. (I should stress that your tractor should have a sturdy cab. ) This will dislodge any loose limbs in the upper reaches of the tree.

If you're reading this and contemplating taking down a sixty footer, I may have just saved your life.


You're welcome!