Only in America; dope-dealing cross-dressing priest ready for plea-bargain

Check out this story.

Father Wallin ministers to the flock on the wrong side of the tracks over there in Connecticut.

That's gotta be a tough gig. We mostly know Connecticut as the home base of choice for successful hedgies. Once you're flush and have a few success stories under your belt, nothing says "you're a big boy now" louder than an estate in Connecticut.

But then there's that other Connecticut, the one where entire neighborhoods live on less than the annual cigar tab for a self-respecting got-it-made wheeler-dealer.

You know what I'm talking about; where the black folks live.

And while I'm at it; why aren't there any black hedge fund managers?

Anyway, Father Wallin brought the gospel of Jesus Christ to the hopeless and homeless and down and out in Connecticut, not to the other guys. Seems the pressure got to him.

Father Wallin was in the habit... oh jeez... I didn't even see that one coming... oh my God?!...

Well, the body of evidence claims he was a cross-dresser, but WTF, when you look at the pictures from that Conclave of Cardinals just a couple weeks ago, they're all about that... which was why I thought Rodman was a shoe-in for the Golden Scepter...

But I digress. Don't know if Father Wallin donned the habit, but apparently he was in the habit of doffing the friarly robes for something a little more flattering. A mini-skirt maybe. Yoga pants... who knows?

Not only that, but due to the Church of Rome having to settle one multi-billion dollar class-action after another for the last twenty years, your local parish priest is actually paying the bills out of the proceeds from the bingo and the bake sale these days.

Bingo and bake sales only go so far, and for Father Wallin they obviously didn't go far enough.

Father Wallin took some hard decisions. Out with baking cupcakes. In with cooking meth.

The rest of the story is, if not history, at least really cheesy headlines.

And if you're among the multitude rushing to judge Father Wallin, let me leave you with a quote from the Good Book.

"Judge not, lest ye be judged."

Cardinals booze it up inside Sistine Chapel

And I got thrown out of there in '74 for doing the same!

Bloody hypocrites!

Mind you, I wasn't voting for a new Pope at the time, so I wasn't locked down in the place... so I guess I should cut them some slack.

But it's true; while the esteemed Cardinals are deliberating, they have full access to the incomparable cellars of Vatican City.

Not only that, they get cigarette breaks too!

World Exclusive: College of Cardinals elects Dennis Rodman as new Pope!

In a shocking development revealed exclusively to the think tank here at Falling Downs, the College of Cardinals have for the first time gone outside the organization for new management at the top.

While such a move is common enough in other organizations it is unprecedented in the two thousand year history of the Church of Rome.

SI has half the story, but the truth is Rodman is winging his way to Rome to be the Pope, not to meet the Pope.

Rodman's recent endeavors as free-lance Global Peace Ambassador apparently sealed the deal for the College. Vatican spokesman Monsiglini Pulluini said "we wanted a guy who would bring new relevance to the institution. The fact that Dennis is already comfortable wearing dresses, or "robes" as we call them here, helps too."

Godspeed, your Holiness!