How to tell the difference between a pending fart and a pending shit

The key word here is "pending."

Once the crisis is no longer pending, it's too late.

That's happened to me a couple of times. You think it's all under control, but it isn't.

First time was at the Saint John Hilton. Nice joint. Right on the water.

I'd been having some gas issues, and when I ripped forth a fart in the shower, well...

The other time, I was attending a tobogganing party with my extended family. The toboggan hill was a twenty minute hike through deep snow from the farmhouse where the nearest flush toilet was located.

We had a grand chilli chow-down before we hit the hill. Unfortunately, I had seriously underestimated both the chilli and the distance to that flush toilet, and therefore was forced to exempt myself from the party for a couple of hours while I went home for a quick shower and a change of clothes.

Luckily, I have learned from my errors in judgement.

Don't know if it was the pickled eggs or the pickled beets, or the sauerkraut I had on that Reuben sandwich the other day, but I've been crazy gassy.

I've been dropping stink bombs left right and centre for days...

But tonight, as I was enjoying a breath of fresh air on the stoop, I had a gut feeling that feeling in my gut would turn into more than a fart.

Fortunately, I made it in the house and up the stairs to the flush toilet in the nick of time.

So, when you're wondering what's gonna be what, go with your gut feeling.