Retired football timekeeper admits to rampant cheating

After my illustrious tenure coaching high school sports, they made me the official time keeper for the football team. My coaching career had been something of a bust. Never been a jock, so when they made me coach of the boys soccer team, I had to hustle to the school library to find out the basic rules of the game. Like how many players you can have on the field, which I quickly learned was called the "pitch." I did such a bang-up job with that team, they added the girls soccer team to my coaching duties the next year. Year after, I got girls rugby, and then senior boys basket ball. Like I said; not a jock, and had no clue what I was doing. No team I coached ever had a winning season. We would take comfort in putting something on the scoreboard, nevermind winning a game. Once I had enough seniority at the school board to get out of that shit, the football team honoured me with the job of timekeeper for the home games. This was before we had a big fancy scoreboard at our school. I soon learned that the stopwatch in my pocket had the power to influence the game. If we were up a few points going into the fourth quarter, that quarter might be over in five minutes. If, on the other hand, we were down a few, and had possession and the possibility of a decent drive, the 4th quarter could last a half hour! Needless to say, the opposing coaches were not amused, but in those days, the stopwatch in my pocket was the ultimate arbiter of how many seconds were left in the game. Then one fateful September I went back to school, and lo and behold, we had a brand new TD Bank electronic scoreboard gracing the football field. Complete with time-clock so big they could read the numbers from the balconies of the apartment building three blocks away. That was the end of my career as official timekeeper of the high-school football team.