The gentrification of Ontario's cattle country

For as long as I can remember, northern Grey County and all of Bruce County were considered "cattle country." The official mascot of Bruce County was "Big Bruce," a beef cattle-beast, whose twelve-foot-tall likeness still welcomes you at the northern approach to the town of Chesley.

A hundred acre spread up the road just came on the market at $1.5 million. A hundred acres let's you graze a dozen cow-calf pairs over the summer, plus grow the hay to overwinter them. In a good year, those twelve calves will fetch $12k at sale. Out of that you pay for your inputs. Hayfields need to be rejuvenated, equipment must be maintained and replaced, and veterinarians will occasionally be called upon. Your hundred acre beef farm might reliably return five or six thousand dollars in the course of a year.

Do the math, and you quickly realize that farm up the road won't be bought by a beef farmer. 

Instead, it'll either go to an absentee investor who will separately rent out the house and the pastures, or an affluent urbanite looking for a weekend retreat and a retirement option.

To the untrained eye, the landscape will remain the same. There'll be cows grazing in the fields, because neither the investors nor the affluent urbanites care for farming, and are happy enough to rent their pastures back to authentic farmers.

And that's an endangered species, the authentic beef farmer. The only young farmers getting into beef around here are kids who are inheriting the family farm and are debt-free. Not all farmer's children want to live the farm life, and as time goes on, more and more farms end up owned by non-farmers.

That's just common sense, given current market conditions. The guys who graze their cattle on my farm are a father-son team who own a couple farms of their own, inherited mortgage free, rent a few more, and have a herd of 150 cows. My guess is if you divided their total net annual income by the hours they put in, they'd be shy of making minimum wage.

On the other hand, they could cash out, pocket at least three millions for throwing in the towel, and the next generation of their family can live the good life in an exciting city somewhere. 

As much as they love what they do, you know what's going to happen eventually. 

On the plus side, the Audis, Porsches, and Land Rovers give you a nice break from watching nothing but pickups and John Deeres going by.

Mayor supports 2.9 million dollar tax break for Porsche dealership

Why? Watson was ready for that question. Because it will actually increase tax revenue on a long enough horizon. 

Oh fuck off! 

Seriously? It's rising tides lifting all boats and trickle-down prosperity all over again!

Let's party like it's 1978!

I'll tell you the real reason Mayor Watson is on board with the tax break. The kinds of folks who aspire to be Porsche drivers, and those who already are, will appreciate the shout-out.

And that's not a bad demographic to have in your corner at fund-raising time.

Government of Canada selling off surplus Porsches

Ya, I know what you're thinking; Neumann's making shit up again...

And I can't blame you. After all, the pot-addled hillbilly isn't always the most reliable narrator.

But check this out; Environment Canada has this beauty 2010 Panamera 4S on auction, minimum bid $38,000. Apparently they needed it for "emissions testing!"

Of course they did!

If you're a SUV kinda guy, maybe this 2014 Cayenne with a mere 15,000 clicks on the clock is more your speed. More "emissions testing," of course!

No matter how you feel about wasteful government spending, you gotta tip your cap to the smoothies who slipped these purchases past their superiors!

Porsche Cayenne and why I can't really believe anything I see...

There I was, nose pressed to the window at the Topnotch, having a leisurely breakfast, when a Porsche Cayenne rolls by pulling an Airstream trailer.

Get the fuck outta here!

A Porsche pulling an Airstream?

Surely if you can afford that get-up you can afford waterfront on the Bruce?!

But what the fuck do I know?


It's a fucked-up world...

But at least you can still get honest home-fries at the Topnotch.

Another reason to avoid Timmies

The first change I noticed after the Brazilian hedgies at 3G Capital took over Tim Hortons was they did away with the garbage containers in their drive-throughs.

Doesn't seem like a big deal on the face of it. After all, you're offering a convenience to the customer; a bin to collect yesterday's Timmies trash as you're going through the drive-thru today. And what does it cost them to provide this service? Next to nothing. A couple of times per day some min wage workee spends five minutes changing the bags in those garbage bins.

But here's why I'm an obscure blogger and brilliant big-picture capitalists are billionaire hedge fund managers. I figure emptying the trash costs next to nothing. The big-picture MBA types realize that "next to nothing" across thousands of stores equals enough of something to warrant stamping it out.

Here's another "next to nothing" the sharpies at 3G have eliminated; a serviette with your donut. You used to get a paper napkin when you picked up a donut at the drive-thru window. No more. Although a paper serviette costs next to nothing, the MBAs at 3G correctly concluded that next to nothing across millions of apple fritters per day could make the difference between a new Porsche and a used Dodge van when it's time to spend that annual bonus cheque.

There's a guy piloting a new 911 Turbo down a Brazilian expressway today who thanks you for licking the donut glaze off your fingers and wiping them on the bag your donut came in.

You don't even miss the serviettes, do you!

But these are mere micro-agressions. (micro-agressions! Am I with it or what?! My kid with the Social Justice degree from York University would be proud!)

Here's some more serious shit (macro-aggression?); Burger King animal feed sourced from deforested lands in Brazil and Bolivia. It appears that our brilliant 3G Brazillian hedgies who own Timmies and Burger King and Popeyes are all-in for raping the wilderness to get cheap cattle feed!

You can bet the guy who came up with that idea is driving more than a Porsche...

I'm guessing Bugatti or Maclaren.

Death changes everything...

That's hardly an original observation... just google it and you'll see.

We've been struggling with assorted health issues among the elders in the clan. A spot of Parkinson's here, cancer here and there, dementia all over the place, triple and quadruple by-passes...

Hold on tight Mabel, the ship is goin' down!

Tonight a very pretty Porsche 944 went slinking through the S-bends in front of Falling Downs, east to west.

Last night a 928 sailed by in the opposite direction.

Last summer during the Cobble Beach Concours we had a million dollar Porsche parade blast past the place. Multiple times. That parade was neither slinking nor sailing; it was positively writhing.

My friend Mike took delivery of his new factory-order hemi Challenger this week. Mike's a guy my age. Couldn't afford a hemi Challenger on the first go-round. Been waiting for his chance ever since.

Lost his wife six months ago. He loved his wife. Fully acknowledged that she was smarter than him. Made more money than him. Better looking too.

He could never have bought that hemi Challenger if she was still in the picture.

Death changes everything.

Twilight in Lebanon

As darkness descends on Lebanon, the Beirut Star has this journalistic gem to help ease the minds of anxious Beirutis.

Porsche or BMW, what's it gonna be? The barbarians may be at the gates, but there's still time to decide one way or another in this "clash of the titans."

Frankly, I'd go for the Porsche. Due to the electronic rev-limiter on the BMW, the Porsche can get the hell outta town a whole lot faster. Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot of places to go.

Still, for Beirutis of means, there is still time to make a choice. In a year or two the only vehicles on the streets and highways of Lebanon will be Toyotas.

Porsches and Ferraris at Falling Downs

I was chilling on the front stoop with the Farm Manager this evening, when I saw something slinky and red coming round the S bends...

Holy shit, a Ferrari Testa Rossa! On Con 20 in Grey County!

How the fuck does that happen?

Well, let me tell you how it happens.

Up here in the upper reaches of Grey County, on Concession Road 20, we don't normally see Ferraris.

In fact, we don't see much of anything. Me and the Farm Manager can sit on the front stoop for three hours in an evening and all that goes by is a couple of cars, a few pick-up trucks, and a tractor or two.

But since the folks down the road at the Cobble Beach golf course started up this Concours shit last year, that's changed.

Last weekend we had heavy duty Porsche caravans snaking through the S bends every couple of hours. I'm talking about a convoy of 911s whistling past the farm at a "brisk" pace. Seems the Porsche people had a couple of trailer loads of new 911s at the Cobble Beach Concours, and I'm guessing that these convoys were test drives for media folks or prospective clients.

I don't fit into either of those categories.

But I did find out an interesting fact not too long ago. Seems that when the township first surveyed these parts, they forgot to register title for the bit of Concession 20 that cuts through the middle of my farm.

That would be the S-bends.

In other words, I own the road.

Ya, the Porsche guys may think they own the road. Buddy in his Testa Rossa no doubt thinks he owns the road too...

Hey folks... I actually own the road! Literally! For real!

I'm putting in a toll both in time for next year's Cobble Beach Concours.

So here's a heads up to all you fancy-pants Porsche and Ferrari types; if you want to pass by my stretch of Concession 20, I'll have a turn at the wheel of your car!