Bombs and Bullshit

Summer is gone, but the festivals are here. So far I've been to the Nippigon Black-fly Festival, the Marathon Mosquito Marathon, and the Lake 'o Bays Bitin' Fly Festival. The music festivals are in full swing too. Almost every town now has a blues festival. Most Canadians don't know the difference between Howlin' Wolf and Wolfman Jack, but have we got blues festivals out the ying yang.

But the festival that towers over all others on the Canadian festival landscape is the Department of National Defense Perpetual Bullshit Festival. They've been in high gear lately, what with the "withdrawal" of Canadian "fighting forces" from Afghanistan. Those quotation marks are there for a reason. It seems that in the DND a lot of our soldiers aren't actually intended to fight. I guess that makes sense - every army needs its potato-peelers and toilet scrubbers, but I always thought at the end of the day even those guys (and gals) had to pick up a gun and challenge the forces of evil. Maybe not.

The new gig for our boys and girls in Afghanistan is to train the Afghan army. Hmmmm. Train them for what, I wonder? Oh, that's right; to take on the Taliban. Those would be the bad Afghans - the ones we didn't train, the ones who put the run to the Ruskies back in the '80's and the ones who have effectively fought NATO and the US Army to a stalemate over the last ten years. My thinking is that if they want an effective army, shouldn't it be trained by the people who are winning the Afghan war instead of the ones who are losing? That's right - get the Taliban to train the Afghan Army. Makes a lot of sense when you think about it. Besides, if you look at the history of Canadian training missions, the record is pretty bleak. We've been training the police in Haiti on and off for over a quarter of a century, and they're still considered one of the most corrupt and inefficient police forces in the world. Who knows, maybe they would have been even worse without our help...

But back to the bullshit. The DND has been tripping over itself for many years trying to sell the Afghan adventure. First it was the big sell. Top gun General Hillier was eager to lead the charge against the Taliban scumbags - his word. I thought at the time, gee, maybe one should tread a little lightly with the pejoratives. Let's at least pretend to respect the enemy, at least until we get to know them a little better. Not Hillier. They were scumbags and murderers and to hear him talk you'd think he was going to have the whole mess cleared up in six months.

Six months came and went. Gradually you started to see a little bit of questioning here and there about what the hell are we doing over there. Those questions gradually opened a faucet of bullshit from the DND that continues to gush to this day. One week we were there for democracy. Then we're liberating Afghan women. Doff those burkas, girls, the Canadians are here: it's bikini time! I remember reading about the bike paths we were going to build in Kandahar City. And lots of good news stories about the happy Afghan children being able to fly kites again, thanks to the sacrifices of our brave men and women in uniform. Overtime at the bullshit factory.

Meanwhile the brave men and women are coming back in caskets or in wheelchairs with limbs missing. A new era of Canadian Heroes was born. Every scared ninteen year old who stepped on a landmine was a hero. They'd get a street or a bridge named after them in their home town. The route that the hearses took from the airport to the base became the Highway of Heroes. Afghanistan became a must-do photo-op for Canadian politicians. You had a steady stream of political weenies playing dress-up; flak jackets and helmets and a half hour inhaling the macho ambience of a secure base, then back on the helicopter and high-tailing it the hell out of there. "We're not the type to cut and run" Harper assured our Afghan allies. And we haven't. Just our fighting forces have cut and run. Our trainers are standing firm.

You'd think the climb-down (not a cut-and-run, just a climb down) in Afghanistan would mean slow times for the Perpetual Bullshit Festival at the DND. You'd be wrong. This morning I listened to General Charles Bouchard explaining how bombing TV stations in Libya is part of the NATO mandate to enforce a no-fly zone. As a Canadian my chest swells along with with everyone else when I bask in the fact that a humble Canadian is in charge of the NATO bombs. I kinda felt for Bouchard, though. Like anybody listening, he seemed to know it was quite a stretch from no-fly zone to bombing TV stations, and he seemed uncomfortable, sort of like Colin Powell when he was waving that ridiculous little vial of white powder around in the UN. It's like, I know I'm bullshitting you, you know I'm bullshitting you, but let's just keep going with the bullshit, shall we?

So here we are. The national newspaper of record, perhaps sensing that the DND was running out of bullshit, assured us that when we are dropping bombs on Libya, what we are actually doing is "projecting our democratic values". Now that's good. I wouldn't be surprised if an editorial writer got an immediate secondment to the DND for that one. You won't find bullshit like that at the Kleinburg Binder Twine Festival.

Enjoy festival season.