Sunday, October 2, 2011

Dr. Kaushik and Dr. Teenblum

Had the same GP for nearly thirty years. Doctor Kaushik. Had some misgivings at the start. That was an era when we were predisposed to negative opinions about anyone from a East Indian (i.e. "Paki") background. Nevertheless, I manned up and bent over. For nearly thirty years she was the only licenced professional to explore my nether regions.

Be that as it may, for thirty years I enjoyed exquisite and undeserved good health. Dr. Kaushik was sixty-ish when I became her patient, and she was still sixtyish thirty years later. In between, she was the GP to the entire family. Delivered my son and my daughter. A class act all the way. Then she retired.

Well, she didn't exactly retire. She sold her practice, and started a new one in laser cosmetic surgery. As soon as I heard that, the little light bulb over my head went on. Laser wrinkle removal? No shit! That's why she looked the same age for thirty years! She's been practising on herself all these years!

Good for her, I thought. But what a surprise when I went to see my new doctor. Dr. Rosenblum, or so the certificate on the wall claimed. I'm skeptical. "Doctor" Rosenblum doesn't look old enough to get into medical school, let alone graduate. But no, this 17 year old Jewish kid is apparently a real doctor, officially signed off  and sanctified by all the relevant authorities.

I don't know about you, but I have a bit of a hang-up having somebody who could be my grandson probing my nether regions. Is that a stethescope in his ears or is he listening to his ipod? How would you know?

Nor do I find it reassuring that the young doctors are doing more and more of their diagnosing using the internet. That's right! When they scurry out of the room they're not checking out another patient; they're googling your symptoms on the internet! Holy shit, I can do that myself!

Long story short, I've spent the last month googling every conceivable type of ass cancer. Not to give away too much personal detail, but I think I got it narrowed down to hemroids.

I think that can be fixed with a spot of laser surgery.


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