Conversations with a three-legged frog

I've been having this recurring dream. It's not quite a nightmare, not yet anyway, but it does tend to have its dark sides.

In the dream I wake up dead and then I come back to Falling Downs as a humble denizen of the marsh across the way.

I'm a frog.

These dreams started about a month ago when Kipling fixed me up with a sample bag of his latest organic weed.

Coincidence?

Maybe. Maybe not.

But I must admit Kipling has the organic weed gig pretty much down. I was talking to him the other day and he's kinda bummed out about the overall state of the economy etc.

I've been talking to Kipling for over 40 years and there has never been a time when he is NOT bummed out about the overall state of the economy etc.

But back to the dream.

So I'm dead but the wheel of Karma affords me a second kick at Falling Downs. I fucked it up as a two-legger, so my next chance is as a frog.

I'm hopping through the long grass down by the creek, and there's where I spot Stumpy (not his real name). Stumpy is a big old swamp bull-frog who is missing his left hind leg.

Since I'm new here, at least in this incarnation, I don't want to be overbearing. I just plant myself on the next rock and let a bit of time slide by.

Finally I offer a hey how ya doin'?

You fucking talkin' to me fuckface?

Well, come on. Do you really get reincarnated for abuse like this?

I don't want to be too harsh. Hey bro, I see you are minus an appendage. What up with that?

You fuckin' staring at my stump?

Hey brother, I ain't staring, but what the fuck... what's the story Stumpy?

Stumpy shifts on his rock and stares at me with a squinted frog eye.

Listen, fuckface... I been here and I been there. One day a couple years ago I was hopping across the lawn by the house over there, and outa nowhere, BAM! A lawnmower incident.

I'm like, are you shitting me? Right over there on the lawn? Did you get a look at the lawnmower?

He's like ya, only seen it from underneath. Looked like a 21".

Oh my God! Before I died I was cutting the lawn with a 21" Sears Craftsman!

Oh!

My!

GOD!!!

Yo, Stumpy, I'm so sorry.... I think that was me pushing the lawnmower...

Say what? How does a frog push a lawnmower....   oh..

The horror of recognition was creeping across Stumpy's face.

You mean... it was...   You were pushing that mower?

I'm so totally fucking sorry.

When I was talking to Kipling I mentioned I'd seen a 426 Hemi Charger in Wiarton the other day, but I hadn't a chance to peer inside, so I could not be sure if it was a 66 or a 67.

The difference, in case you don't know, is that the inaugural 1966 Dodge Charger has a console that goes the length of the car. You've basically got four bucket seats divided down the middle by a center console. In 1967 the console ended at the front seats and the back seat was a standard item out of a Coronet.

Stumpy was a bit pissy for a while. Eventually he came around. Well, you're dead, he said, and I've lived a damned good life with three legs. Took a bit of getting used to. I mean I've got the left back leg missing, so whenever I'm jumping for something I bear a good 45 degrees to the left. Till I got used to it I was just going around in circles.

I asked him how he got used to it.

Well, when I was trying to chase down the lady frogs, he says, I figured they're just gonna hop into the sunset while I'm hopping around in circles unless I get on top of this. By then the whole swamp knew I was just going around in circles, and, you know, I was becoming a bit of a laughing stock.

Fuck me did I feel bad. I run over this poor fuck with the lawnmower and he can't even catch up to the lady frogs anymore. So how did he rise to his challenges?

Well, he says, I just make a bit of an adjustment. When I land I just shift over about 45 degrees to the right, and then when I launch, it's dead straight all the way! Believe me, the first few times I tried that move the lady frogs were not even paying attention... figured I'd land three or four feet away, and  WHAMO-SLAMMO!!!... hey, you know what I'm talking about!

So after trading notes on the paint job now on that Charger and a lengthy discussion of its history, me and Kipling came to the conclusion that this is indeed the Hemi-Charger of his youth... our youth. And for some reason it finds it's way to Wiarton... we'll be talking about that again.

And I'll be talking to Stumpy again too.