Once I realized that the number of Romney campaign donors matched the number of "chosen" folks bound for heaven I knew I was on to something.
Over the years I've befriended a semi-retired shaman who lives in a cave on the escarpment, just off the next concession. Wilbur Manytroubles still dabbles in his shamanistic stuff; he'll read chicken entrails for twenty bucks - bring your own chicken.
Luckily my friend Sue raises chickens. Leaves them to free range around her place while she's at work. Had me one of those free-range Leghorns in a pillow case in no time, and I was off to see Wilbur.
I've got some good tips from Wilbur in the past. His deal is you have to take the sacrament and then the Gods will speak through him to answer your questions. I once asked him the secret to successful investing.
Buy low, he says.
OK, I said, holding in a little more of the sacrament... and then what?
After a long pause he says, sell high.
Longer pause.
Hmmm... Sell high?
How do I know when I'm high enough?
Another pause, and then Wilbur starts laughing, just a wee guffaw at first, but soon enough great gales of infectious belly laughter, till we're both rolling around on the floor of his cave holding our guts because we're laughing so hard it hurts.
So I get up there with the chicken, and we do the sacrament, and watch the poor girl do her brief headless chicken dash till she drops in the corner, whereupon Wilbur says to Mrs. Manytroubles, bring me the innards when you've put the bird in the roasting pan dear.
While she's busy with that me and Wilbur have a beer and chit-chat about the upcoming election, and I tell him about my theory, that Romney is the Messiah and his donors are the 144,000 who will enter heaven.
Mrs. Manytroubles brings the chicken entrails in a crystal dish and sets them on the table. Wilbur pokes and prods at them with the bottom of his Coors Light can, a look of extreme concentration on his face.
Hmm... he mutters again and again.
Finally he pushes the dish away and looks me in the eye.
By God, he says, you absolutely nailed it!
Mitt Romney is the Messiah!
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