Santorum battles Satan to a draw at the Daytona 500

The Prince of Darkness was all over this one from the moment Saint Rick Santorum announced his sponsorship of the 26 car of Tony Raines.

Threw up every roadblock imaginable.

One mechanical complication after another in the qualifiers. It was touch and go for the better part of the week but in the end the Lord prevailed and the Santorum car was officially on the starting grid. It was close though; Raines was starting from the second last row.

Then Lucifer resorted to the temptation card. Seems the number 26 pit crew headed to the local Hooters on Saturday night for wings and beer. A late night at Hooters turned into a even later night at the strip joint down the block. Informed sources reveal that the jack-man and the gas guy didn't make it back to the number 26 transporter till noon on Sunday.

Then the Father of Lies called on his demonic allies in the weather department. Apocalyptic rains forced the first ever wash out of the Daytona 500.

Oh Rick, what hath thee wrought?

From a simple stock car race you have made Daytona a battleground for armegeddon.

Santorum's angelic "Sancti-PAC" was able to repel the rainclouds and by 7 pm on Monday the race was ready for the green flag.

But the struggle wasn't over.

Satan himself climbed into the back seat of Elliot Sadler's car when nobody was watching and on the second lap reached over and made Elliot bump Jimmy Johnson into the wall, thereby causing the proverbial "big one" at least a hundred laps before we were expecting it.

The forces of light fought back valiantly and by lap 160 were up to third place. That's when foreigner and well-known papist Satan worshipper Juan Pablo Montoya deliberately drove his car into the back of a safety vehicle carrying 200 gallons of jet fuel in an attempt to burn down the entire track to prevent a Santorum victory.

Alas, Montoya's maneuvre was a partial success. The two hour delay caused by Montoya's, or I should say Lucifer's fire allowed the hung-over pit crew in Raines' camp to lose their concentration to the point that when the race was restarted three quarters of them were back at Hooters.

But even without a pit crew, the Santorum number 26 was able to finish in 19th place. Not a victory, but a good twenty places ahead of where they started.

It's safe to say that Santorum battled Satan to a standstill.