Words of hope from Doctor Kipling

Those who have followed this blog for more than a few weeks will know Kipling isn't actually a doctor.

But he should be.

Kipling is a long distance trucker who keeps a stash of his own urine samples in his freezer, because in his line of work he is called upon to be drug-tested every so often.

Now as near as I can figure it out Kipling has run his various rigs somewhere over five million accident -free miles in his career, and at least 90% of those miles have been driven while supposedly "under the influence" of the weed of wisdom.

Must be a good influence that he's under, to run 5,000,000 miles without an accident.

Anyway, while we were catching up not too long ago I'd mentioned that I'd been attending a high-end private clinic that specializes in cardio-vascular issues. I'm not a high-end kind of guy by any measure, so it was only at the behest of certain family members that I found myself there.

The first thing you see when you walk in the door is one of Bjorn Borg's tennis rackets mounted to the wall, with a thank-you note from Bjorn himself to the good doctor who runs this racket.

Kipling steps away from the weed for a month or so whenever his freezer-pee supply runs low. Then he tops it up. When he gets the call for his random drug test, he grabs one of those samples, drives to the lab with it under his armpit, and it's pretty much at perfect body temp by the time he gets there.

He hasn't failed a drug test yet.

So I was telling Kipling about my visits to this cardio clinic, which being a private affair, means I pay for it out of my pocket.

Kipling listens to my story, then he asks, "does your dick still work?"

Say what?

"Does your pecker still work? Do you still get it up when you have to get it up?"

Well, that's sort of a blunt query, but I had to admit that, yes, Mr. Johnson comes through when he's called upon.

"Well, that means all those tiny blood vessels in your cock are still clear, so it's pretty much guaranteed that the ones in your heart are OK too."

Thanks, Doctor Kipling!

I quit that high-priced clinic the next day, and while I don't want to put too fine a point on it, I think the much-maligned weed of wisdom has got more than a little to do with the efficiency of my blood vessels.