Saturday, July 23, 2016

Russian balloonist claims world record; immediately disqualified for doping

Russian balloonist Fedor Konyukhov set a new world record by single-handedly circumnavigating the globe in a helium balloon in eleven days, shattering the previous record set by American Steve Fossett in 2002. Fossett managed the feat in thirteen days.

Unfortunately Mr. Konyukhov's triumph was short-lived. On landing in the Australian Outback he was immediately surrounded by a team of Canadian lawyers who forcibly removed his trousers and wouldn't give them back until he had provided a urine sample.

Subsequent testing confirmed what most informed observers had already suspected; when a Russian sets a record, they must be cheating. Leading anti-doping activist Dick Pound announced the results at a press conference in Australia. "Hopefully this will send a message to Mr. Putin that doping in sport will no longer be tolerated."

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