Zen and the art of procrastination

First of all, make peace with the idea that procrastination is an art, not a science.

As is zen. Zen is a journey, not a destination. Or more correctly, the zen journey is the destination.

Marrying zen and procrastination is Nirvana. Pull this off and you have truly arrived at a state of Bliss.

Best time for the wedding is right after a good meal. When it comes to a good meal, remember that gluttony is good. If you're sitting down to a spread of scalloped potatoes and roast beef and fresh-picked fiddle-heads, don't just have a bit of this and that. Eat as much as you can. Eat until you need to lie down.

Once you are lying down, you are ready for the zen zone. Make sure you're comfortable. Start by counting your blessings. If you are familiar with the Christian hymn of that title, hum it quietly to yourself for five or ten minutes. Remember, Robert Pirsig had to ride his motorcycle five thousand miles to get to the zen zone. You just had to walk from the dinner table to the couch.

That's a blessing.

If you are partial to the weed of wisdom, partake before the big feed and not after. After will result in you lusting for a bag of Doritos ten minutes later.

That's not a blessing.

You are now comfy on the couch. You are feeling vaguely sleepy. You are approaching the town limits of Zen.

Now, picture in your mind's eye three chores you have been putting off. The mind's eye is crucial when one wants to find zen. If you can imagine it successfully, you can avoid doing it.

For the sake of this illustration, I will choose three chores at random. Three unpleasant tasks that I'm feeling guilty about avoiding. In all probability your three chores will be different. Doesn't matter. Just think of three things somebody's been nagging at you to do.

My first chore is cleaning up the bat guano  in the attic. An unpleasant task in every aspect. There's nothing good about cleaning up bat shit. Close your eyes. Visualize yourself up there in the cold attic, scraping solidified bat shit off the floor with a wall-paper scraping tool... see yourself there... imagine the cold... the smell...

Now feel the sheer joy of not having to be up there right now!

My second chore, just randomly; tidying the basement.

Yuk! The cat turds that spilled over the side of the litter-box six months ago. The detritus that accumulates on the floor as you shlepp firewood to the furnace. The cobwebs that haven't been cleared since 1948... yuk!

Now feel the pure relief of knowing you're not going to do it today! Feel it. Caress it! There'll be another day...

Chore number three; organize the shop. It's December; it's cold, really cold out there...there are boxes labelled "miscellaneous" that haven't been opened since I moved from British Columbia in 1981... but not tonight... not now... I'm... almost at... zen.

Nirvana... Bliss in the state of Zen.

If you haven't nodded off by now, switch on the Leafs game.

That will take you over the finish line for sure.

And you never had to leave the couch!