In a revenge attack provoked by efforts to put Christ back into Christmas, Santa lost his cool yesterday and stabbed to death Gabriel Cadis, right there at Friday mass in St. Georges Church in Jaffa.
Cadis is a senior figure in the so-called Orthodox Church, a fringe fundamentalist group that believes Christmas has deteriorated into a crass spectacle of consumer excess.
Gabriel (not to be confused with the angel of the same name of blow-your-horn fame) has led a move to restore an element of the sacred to Christmas celebrations. The campaign to restore dignity to Christmas has been met with resistance by mall owners and big box stores, not to mention the fat guy who lives at the North Pole.
"Hey, if you're not gonna go nuts buying useless made-in-China crap that you don't need at this time of year, just when the hell ARE ya?" asked a concerned Missy "Big Box" Walton, sposkesperson for the Mall Owners of America.
" While we can of course never endorse violence, it's high time these religious fanatics got a bit of push-back."
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