Monday, July 29, 2013

Detective Columbo investigates the Cannes diamond heist

In which Detective Columbo travels to the Holy Land to interview the owner of the diamonds, one Lev Leviev.

C: Mr. Leviev, Mr. Leviev... wait just a moment...

L: Who the hell are you?

C: Mr. Leviev? Thank you for stopping... I'll just take a minute of your time, Mr. Leviev..

L: So who the hell are you?

C: Columbo, Lieutenant Columbo, LAPD, retired...

L: Retired? LAPD? What, are you lost?

C: Oh!.. let me explain. Ya ya, retired, but I do a bit of work you know? I'm looking into that Cannes heist for the insurance companies.

L: Oh yes! Call me Lev. Yes, what a nightmare.

C: Oh ya... 136 million. Wow! Now I was just wondering, how does this, how do you, I mean who actually owned the diamonds?

L: Well Lieutenant Cor.. sorry, what was...

C: Columbo, just call me Columbo.

L: Lieutenant Columbo. Let me explain something. I am but a humble diamond cutter. The diamonds are owned by a consortium. Now if you don't mind, I have a flight to catch.

C: Sure thing Mr. Leviev, Lev... don't mean to hold you up. But there's just one more thing. The policy says Africa Israel. What is that?

L: Oh, that's nothing. I think they might own the consortium that owns the diamonds...

C: Now my wife, you know, she used to have a rich aunt right here in the Holy Land. I mean she still has the aunt... she's just not rich anymore. Put all her eggs in the Africa Israel basket years ago.

L: Sorry to hear. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a flight...

C: Ya I'm sorry... let me walk with you, I just have one more question Lev. At the hotel up there in France, 136 million in one briefcase. Is that even possible? I mean I remember once when Frank Sinatra was on trial, and he said if you can show how to get five million dollars in a briefcase I'll give you the five million...

L: What is your point, Lieutenant?

C: Well, I just don't understand how...

L: Lieutenant! This has what to do with me? I shall miss my flight if...

C: Sorry! Just one more thing... I read where Africa Israel is in trouble, and they say... well it can't be true, but I read somewhere that you own Africa Israel... and 136 million in diamonds and no security, that just doesn't sound right, it almost sounds like, like, well, forgive me for saying so, but it sounds like an inside...

At which point two burly security types appear on either side of the Lieutenant, forcibly turn him around, and frog-march him in the opposite direction...

C: Oh,.. one more thing.... one more thing... just one more question...



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