Wednesday, July 8, 2015

I found my baby with another man

Me and the Farm Manager were sitting on the front porch reminiscing about the old times.

The old times were pretty wild, the FM acknowledged.

I agreed.

But for some reason the FM's wild times managed to avoid the judicial system.

Mine didn't.

My wild times seemed to end up in front of Judge Henry Howitt on a regular basis.

Hangin' Hank was a Guelph legend. Word has it that he was so drunk some days on the bench, that the Guelph Police Department used to send two cruisers to assist his drive to the Country Club after a long day on the bench.

One cruiser would drive in front, the other behind. It was like NFL blockers clearing a track for a running back. Hammered Hank never had an accident between the courthouse and the Country Club.

Nor did he ever have an accident between the Country Club and his house atop the Eramosa Street hill, where those same blockers would guide him after his shift at the Club was finished.

So back in my wild years, me and Hank used to get face-to-face on a regular basis.

Nothing serious, mind you... just the usual alcohol fueled juvenile hijinx that overtakes a certain segment of the teen population, sometimes till they're well into their forties.

I remember standing in front of Hank once after having ingested a blotter tab of LSD.

And standing... and standing some more... and some more.

I was just standing there admiring the sheen on the podium in front of Hank. It was shiny.

It glowed.

Ripples of light cascaded off that podium. That light infused the entire room with its warm glow... it was an incredible thing!

I was still standing there, admiring the glow, and somewhere far away I kept hearing the words "you can go now you can go now you can go now"... repeated over and over like a mantra...

Then this dude in a uniform takes me by the arm and leads me to the exit.

What? I can go now?

Holy shit! Case dismissed!

But the most memorable time I ever had in front of Hank was the time I found my baby with another man.

Ya, I know; there's been about twenty million country songs written about that, but I was there.

Sure enough, in true country style, a brawl breaks out.

Now as to the particulars of the situation, truth is I was with another woman at the time I found my baby with another man, and in hindsight, that fact may have been at least partially responsible for her behavior that evening.

Now, I'm explaining this to Judge Howitt, and of course I'm trying to put a profitable (for me) spin on things. Bear in mind that me and Hank are, at this point, if not friends, at least acquaintances.

So Hank hears the whole sordid tale from the mouth of the person who was by then my "ex," and then it's my turn.

So tell me your side of the story, son.

Ya, he called me "son."

Well sir, I was just comforting my friend Miss ****, who had just experienced a break-up with her boyfriend, when this Camaro came along and these three people got out, one of them being my ex.
She assaulted me and I was forced to defend myself, and then the two guys who got out of that Camaro began to assault me too, and I was just forced to keep defending myself until they all got back in that Camaro and drove away.

Well Hallelujah!

That was good enough for Hank...

Case dismissed!

Hangin' Hank was a sucker for a good yarn!

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